The Rest of The Best of...

Well January is about over so I guess I better finish my “Best of” statuses from 2010. Here we go…

I’m a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle and here is my handle…OH SNAP!!! I’m a sugar bowl!

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why isn’t PHONETIC spelled the way it sounds?

If you believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get it to stick to the pan?

I’m so old everything hurts. And what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

I’m so old “getting a little action” means I don’t have to take any fiber today.

Don’t let good enough be good enough.

Just told a middle eastern sounding hospital bill collector to send mine to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20500 and Mr. Obama would take care of it.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

If you burn your neighbor’s house down it does not make your own house look any better.

I was watching NECKcar and a hockey fight broke out.

Having potential simply means you haven’t done it yet.

You have to have a party when you’re in a state like this.

I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

What we want and what we need have been confused.

Of course men can multitask. We read on the toilet.

I don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.

The trouble with life is there is no background music.

You never really learn to swear til you learn to drive.

If American mothers feed their infants with tiny spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers feed theirs with toothpicks?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If you have a headache, do what the bottle says. Take two and Keep Away From Children.

I’m so old I went to the video to rent a porn movie and came home with Debbie Does Dialysis.

Shopping tip: you can get shoes at the bowling alley for 85 cents.

Do clowns taste funny to cannibals?

Why is there no mouse flavored cat food?

If you pamper a cow does it give spoiled milk?

My watch is three hours behind and I can’t get it fixed so I’m gonna move to L.A.

I’ve been doing some abstract painting. I mean REALLY abstract. No paint. No brush. No canvas. I just think about it.

Every now and then I like to look up in the sky and smile for a satellite picture.

The last time I went to the movie theater I was asked to leave for bringing my own food. My argument was that concessions were too expensive and it had been a while since I had fried rice and egg rolls.

It’s a good thing we have gravity because if we didn’t when birds die they’d just hang up there in the sky. Hunters would be all confused.

My kids were born by Cesarean section. Now when they leave the house they go out the window.

I dated a girl in college that read the entire dictionary. She thought it was a poem about everything.

Siamese twins are interesting. They are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

This guy was waving at me and came right up and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” To which I replied, “Well I am.”

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

Is it just me or does anyone else find it coincidental that “cologne” rhymes with “alone”?

I was making pancakes for the kids and there was this fly buzzing around. That’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And the kids are a lot like fly eaters.

In my haste to get my gift wrapping over with, I didn’t realize I was using birthday paper until  it was too late. So, instead of starting over, I just got out a Sharpie and wrote “Jesus” on each package.

When I was a boy, my parents gave me a walkie-talkie for Christmas. They told me if I was good they’d give me the other one next year.

I was the next door neighbor’s kid’s imaginary friend.

Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.

I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer says he can get it down to three to five.

Do you know why there has never been a dog on a space mission? They are afraid it would stick its head out the window on the way home and burn its face off.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

My mother got morning sickness AFTER I was born.

Kids loved to be tricked. I told mine once we were going to Disney World. I took them to an old, burned out warehouse and said, “Oh no! Disney World burned down.” They cried but deep down I think they thought it was a pretty good trick.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to be with women who have saved someone’s life.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You’d never know just to look at it.

I met a nice woman in the generic aisle at the grocery store. Her name was “woman”.

Why is there no expiration date on sour cream?

Did you know seahorses are the only species of animal that the male carries the babies? I’m a bit miffed by this. Why don’t they just call that one the female?

I wonder if when gym teachers were younger they thought, I want to teach but I don’t want to read…maybe I’ll just supervise kickball for the next forty years.”

I want to put a map of the world up in my house and put pins in all the locations I’ve visited. But first I have to travel to the top two corners so the map won’t fall down.

When I’m feeling sick but sociable I drink Nyquil on the rocks.

When I was a boy I laid in my twin bed and wondered where my brother was.

If you give extra kisses you’ll get extra hugs.

The measure of a man is not in his accomplishments but rather in how he responds to his own failures.

Th Th Th That’s all folks!