More of the Best of...

More of my top thoughts from 2010. Enjoy…

I used to drink so much, once I gave a urine sample and it had an olive in it.

I would never join an organization that would accept people like me as a member.

One of the great things about books is sometimes they have some great pictures.

I’m writing the next great country song. It’s called “If I’d Shot You Sooner, I’d Be Out Of Jail By Now.”

Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to have to explain to paramedics.

Virus is a Latin word doctor’s use to say “your guess is as good as mine.”

One good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy you don’t have to worry about your kids having your declared legally insane in order gain control of your estate.

I try not to talk about myself too much. Plenty of other people do that for me.

I lost my job. Well, I didn’t actually lose it. Someone else is doing it now.

Many people voted for Obama because they didn’t like the job George W. was doing. Isn’t that like shooting yourself in the head because you have a headache?

The problem with gene pool is there is no lifeguard.

Although I’m nearly 50, I’ve never really grown up. I’ve just learned how to act in public.

We live in a society where the pizza gets to your house before the cops do.

When I was a boy, I wanted to ask God for a new bike but I knew He didn’t work that way. So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit…wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.

You know your children are getting older when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

I’ve seen it all and done it all but don’t remember most of it.

I always try to be modest…and I’m damned proud of it.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Have you ever stopped to think and then forgot to start again?

You have a choice. You can be the hammer or you can be the nail. What are you prepared to do?

I tried snorting coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

I have decided to forward all my medical bills, past and present, to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC 20500.

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

I think I miss my calling. I should have been a proctologist because I’m always around assholes.

To Be Continued…